the white whale

The white whale is famous, and I can't dissociate myself from Ahab. I get the feeling that if I were Ahab, I would vent just the same, blindly raging, slowly turning into a lunatic, going after the whale...nowhere near Starbuck, whom I wish I could be instead.
So what does Moby Dick have to do with God?
There are times when we are Ahabs - minus the chopped off leg perhaps - but just as clueless, rampant, and incensed. And what materializes out of it? Because something has to...unless you have an infinite command over yourself (read: restraint), which might enable you to hang on a little longer, but it'll burst anyway.
Moby Dick sustains Ahab's existence. So does God. So does pets - cats, dogs, rabbits...
Strangely, abhorrence and detestation are more effective than the conception of a stronger, more absolute power, or the awareness that one is needed. Which brings me to suicidal tendencies. You only need to make out the pattern. People who resort to suicide, who perform suicide bombings...they are, above all, angry. It isn't sadness; not boredom, or any form of devotion.
If I say there's something that prevents me to pray, I don't know quite how to put it down yet, but then it's probably something like what Moby is to Ahab. Before long, he grows to be obsessed with the idea of assasination, and this comes to constitute his being. An addiction to prayers - if that's at all possible...what would happen if it's eliminated? It means a decision to confront, and I wouldn't know where to begin. Not that I do now...at least it doesn't strike me as a surprise to discover where I stand.