I have been feeling that people I love don't care for me that much. Maybe I expect too much from them, and I feel that way because I'm doing too little with my life. I'm beginning a graduate programme next week, and I feel, strangely, even more restless than I was last month, when I was without a job. Are these nerves, I wonder.
I am in a frenzy, trying out everything until I find something - something that fits, something that feels right, something that gives me the feeling of being complete or - since perfection should be impossible - near complete. Maybe I should move to a new place. Maybe I should move back to Chennai. Get married and have children? Yeesh.
But right now I am keeping myself busy with many things. Odissi. Volunteering at the local library. Being a graduate student. Joining a theatre group. Re-learning Tamil with determination - in which undertaking papa is a big help. Learning Sanskrit (particularly because this ties in with odissi). Reacquainting myself with French. Beginning Hindi yet again - and hope I don't give up this time. Writing a story. Planning to take up sitar classes. Who knows what I will find out about myself and the world, whom I will meet. I need to find something so that I stop feeling so empty.
1 comment:
I just found your blog by chance. It made me feel sad that you are feeling empty. You sound like you are interested in lot's of things, and I'm sure have many more friends than it seems today. I look down at the next article and see lovely young women (are you one of them).
Expectations are a problem with me too. I always expect friends and family to react the same way I do. They don't. Doesn't mean that they don't care - just that they are busy doing their life.
Tomorrow will be better.
Post a Comment