I find myself going to college on holidays to sit on benches and read; or just sit. I need it these days when I begin shaking at home for no apparent reason. Just the knowledge that there are people around. I guess you can never get away from the fear of people judging you.
You don’t want to them to think you’re anywhere near not normal. It can’t hurt, I think, as long as it stops me from going further with my shaking. I’m scared.
I don’t know what I am, what I want, what I need. I don’t know me anymore. I do things I dislike, dislike myself in turn for it, and punish it.
But what’s there to explain? Nothing. I don’t understand any of it. To ask for help from anyone else just seems that much odder, because I can’t explain what’s wrong.
It’s just this feeling that I can’t let out, which at the same time I don’t like having inside me and I need, so much, to get it out, but I can’t. And I shake, shivering, like if I have a fever, then something runs through me, and the sensation stops. And for that short second, I feel better. Then it starts over.
And the things that come to me...that I think of when it happens, they come in bundles, and I can’t pick them apart.